My friend Dave started mentioning a new word a little while back. In the context of leadership, he would say “differentiated” or “undifferentiated”. These words would often be accompanied by the concept of anxiety in leaders and organizations.
I got the idea just enough to stay with the conversation. Something along the lines of people (leaders) over-personalizing what goes on, perhaps taking on too much responsibility or guilt. I got the sense that the anxiety part referred to being affected or even paralyzed by worry and fear. I could tell that this differentiation thing was something that caused a drag or blockage in organizations.
I was familiar with the idea that people’s productivity is bogged down when there aren’t open and honest conversations at work, or when they don’t feel accepted for who they are so they spend half their energy trying to manage the way other people view them. This differentiation thing seemed to be another one of those covert processes underlying the surface issues of getting things done.
Fast forward to a session with my therapist this past year. She pulls out a handout that explains what differentiation is. It starts out with,
Many of us fear that if we are truthful and reveal ourselves…it will threaten relationships with others. They will be upset and abandon us.
We fear we must sacrifice our selves to keep others happy. Therefore, we try to minimize conflict by shaping others to be more like us, or by holding back about our own differences.
This was sounding familiar to me from what I know about attachment theory, from Brené Brown’s writing on vulnerability and human connection and everything I’ve read about psychological safety. It was reminding me of Family Systems Theory as well as a certain best-selling book about difficult conversations and why they’re so difficult.
The handout then provided this beautifully simple definition:
Differentiation is the overall sentiment that two people are different.
Duh! Of course that’s what it means. But what does it mean??
It’s the ability to maintain your sense of self while being emotionally close to others.
What if we don’t have this? What if we are afraid to be truthful or tolerate other people’s honesty? Lack of differentiation causes us to overreact, either inwardly or outwardly. When we can’t separate ourselves from the feelings and behaviours of others, everything starts to feel very personal.
Do you know anyone who tends to take things as a personal attack? They get highly defensive, even aggressive. Or, they turn it inward and blame themselves, and perhaps obsess about people-pleasing. A group that is extremely undifferentiated might be described as a cult.
I have been thinking of differentiation as the ability to tolerate being different. To tolerate disagreements. And by “tolerate”, I mean that I don’t have to become more like you, and you don’t have to become more like me. We don’t have to agree. We can just be different without that meaning that someone is better or someone is wrong. It’s a bit uncomfortable, but it’s okay.
It can be a lot to tolerate if we grew up in a household where there was a narrow definition of rightness or acceptability. At home, school, extracurricular activities, and within our culture broadly, we received messages about what was expected of us. We learned that a certain amount of variety was the spice of life, but mostly it was better to stay in line. Some roles are “more valuable”, some skills count for more than others. If you think about the reward system you grew up with, was it better to excel at standardized tests, skateboarding, electric guitar or hockey? Did you feel more encouraged to voice creative ideas and dissenting views or to follow instructions as closely as possible?
When we grow up in a situation where it’s unsafe to be “different”, it will take us a lot of courage later on to do this differentiation thing!
If you struggle with differentiation, of course you do!
Humans are wired for two things:
- Connection to other people
- Avoiding threats to survival
Our brains are are preoccupied with maximizing these things. And, really, they are two sides of the same coin. Connection keeps us safe, which means that disconnection is a threat. Connection to others requires acceptance by our group, finding a way to belong. Being “too different” can threaten our connection to others. Being different risks us being kicked out, rejected, abandoned.
Some really cool fMRI (brain scan) research by Sue Johnson and others has revealed that the exact same place in our brain will light up for social disconnection or a physical threat to survival (predator rustling in the bushes). Our brains also register physical pain and emotional pain in the same way.
Wait. My brain is telling me that being different is a threat to my survival?
Yes.
Let’s say you’re part of a hunter-gatherer tribe. If you don’t fit in and the tribe kicks you out, you’ll pretty much die of starvation in the wilderness. Fast forward thousands of years, the human brain is still equating social standing to survival.
This might sound dramatic and teenager-like, but the brain literally thinks “Oh I can’t tell them how I really feel or I might die.”
As my therapist’s handout suggests, it will probably feel risky to differentiate. “We have to be willing to look inside, reveal ourselves, clarify boundaries, and manage the anxiety that comes with risking honesty.”
Oh boy. I might die.
We can probably all think of relationships that we believe would completely melt down at the first sign of honest disagreement. Some people or groups just aren’t safe to open up to because they cannot tolerate the discomfort and they will blow up the relationship. The partner that will punish you, the boss that will fire you, the kids that will ostracize you on the playground.
If my survival is at risk, why would I want to differentiate?
True connection is authentic connection. We can be authentic when we are safe to just be ourselves. Our nervous system can relax and we live healthier, less anxious lives. In an organizational context, people can stop spending most of their effort managing other people’s perceptions of them and simply work as a productive team.
Increasing our differentiation is in line with all this. The handout says that a well-differentiated person can:
- Agree without feeling like you’re losing yourself
- Disagree and resolve conflicts without feeling angry or bitter, and feel connected to both yourself and the other person throughout
- Take the time to really hear both sides of a discussion or problem, rather than moving quickly into problem-solving
- Be tolerant of ambiguity or fear, and trust yourself and others
- Balance separateness and togetherness, connection and autonomy
The goal here isn’t to throw caution to the wind and practice radical honesty with reckless abandon. Rather, we can work to move along a continuum as we find situations in which we can practice being honest about our differences. (More on the continuum later.)
Reflect on the list above
- Who in your life is safe to disagree with? What makes it feel safe?
- Think of a way to practice being honest about a difference with that person. Start with the tiniest difference and then try a little harder one as you build confidence in yourself and the relationship.
- What’s the feeling in your body when you’d really like to be honest with someone but are afraid of the consequences?
- When was a time that you’ve been honest and it went well?
- What is something that you know you need to address but you don’t want to face the consequences. What would have to change (in yourself or the situation) for you to take the risk?
Moving along the continuum
In the next article, I’ll tell you what I’ve been learning about getting more differentiated.
References
There wasn’t a source reference noted on my therapist’s handout, but it may have been derived from the Developmental Model approach of Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson who pioneered work in couples therapy. (I find that any valid approach that works one one type of relationship will translate well to others – couples, leadership, parenting, etc.)
Also, Dave wrote an article about differentiation in leadership
Annalise 